He's unstable again...

Fuck.

A successful Turkey vacation

Had a nice four day weekend with the family with a lot of activities and fun.  Overall it was mostly pleasant.  There was some bickering and fighting and yelling.  Nothing out of the ball park. 

We did Thanksgiving with Rick's sister.  It was a good time had by all.  Tori, Kaylin, and I did our traditional Black Friday (on Thursday) shopping.  Friday I had lunch with a good friend after taking care of some banking issues.  Saturday we went with the entire family to Busch Garden's Christmas Town.  It was beautiful how they decorated everything and the family all had fun.  Sunday was the definition of a lazy day.  Enjoyed getting to know my pajamas. 

Brandon is getting more and more lippy.  "F" this and "B" that and you're an "A" along with some creative comments about his balls.  He's been more verbally aggressive and more combative but not physical.  I'm not quite sure how to deal with that.  I feel like we are one step away from physical aggression.  I don't know how to stop the verbal filth coming out of his mouth.  I'm tired of being called a "whore" or a "fucking bitch".  I called to try and get him back in therapy but with a different therapist.  I should be getting a call back tomorrow to see what they can do.  He's being saying to students and staff members that he wants to kill himself.  I got three phone calls in a week and a half from the guidance counselor about it.  I know that he doesn't actually want to kill himself.  I worry that one day he will, and no one will believe him.  The little boy who cried wolf, you know?

And in the other corner I have Noah fighting preschool.  Doesn't want to take a bath or brush his teeth.  Keeps having these tantrums that I don't want to see.  Noah is my offering to the world.  What I was going to use to show the world that we really aren't horrible parents, that we haven't screwed up this one.  And yet that's not what's happening.  Did I not put this thought out into the universe loudly enough?  Did no one hear?  Or is it true?  Are these boys a reflection of my poor parenting, or is this a phase with my little Noah that will go away and he will work through?  After what I've been through with Brandon I tend to diagnose everyone.  I've read a lot and experienced a lot.  Noah has tantrums with very small triggers, Noah only likes a few food items that need to be cold, Noah does not do well with large groups of people or loud noises.  Is he on the spectrum?  Does he need occupational therapy?  Is my DNA tainted and causing them this pain of mental illness?  Are these challenges with Noah just normal 4 year old stuff and I am freaking out for no reason, or as Brandon says often "no apparent reason"?

This post is about me this time

I've been feeling not quite enough lately.  Not enough of a woman, mother, employee, chef, house keeper, everything.  I don't know why, well I kind of do...

I guess I feel like somewhat of a failure, that I have gone terribly wrong with raising my children.  I wish they came with instructions, even though truthfully I wouldn't read them anyway.  I wish they would just magically turn out the way they are suppose to.  I wish they were happy, polite, grateful, appreciative, etc.  I wish that my four year old wasn't the one preschooler that has been suspended twice barely past the first quarter of the school year and that I wasn't in the process of calling a conference with his preschool to discuss what I feel are there short comings. 

My little Noah, my blessing, my joy.  He is becoming what we never thought we would have to go through again.  He is having tantrums, are they normal?  I don't know, all I have to compare his development with is Brandon.  I don't know what is normal for a 4 year old boy because I've never had a "normal" four year old boy. I know that his preschool is concerned, and parents have expressed concern for there children's safety.  And they are setting him up to hate school which is the last thing I want to happen. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to have to do this again.  I don't want to need to have a mental health assessment on another one of my children.  I don't want to do more therapy appointments, or possibly even medication management.  I don't want to be lectured by people that have no children or children without issues that have the label "professional".  I beat myself up enough about how I raise my kids.  What I should have done differently, what I may have done wrong. I don't need anymore criticism.  I need one of these so called "professionals" to really listen, understand, and offer some real solutions.  Not something they read in a book.

So here I am, in a hole, again.  This time I will not go to the doctor and get anti depressants like I did last time.  This time I'll work through it and find my worth.  I'll brush myself off and make an appointment with the preschool and ask what concerns they have and ask what they are doing in the classroom to help.  I'll ask if they called the "warm line" and if they didn't, why not.  I've already contacted the Florida Center and have the contact information to get him an assessment. 

And the teacher says....

Last Friday Brandon's school held an awards ceremony for the students for 1st quarter.  Thanks to my new job I was actually able to go for the first time.  They have always had these ceremonies on Thursday's at 1pm.  Seeing how I process payroll for a living and people always want to be paid on their scheduled check date of Friday, I have been unable to go.  Brandon goes to a special school for kids with behavioral issues.  The entire class body is quite small, maybe 50 kids for both elementary and middle school, a smaller amount being in middle school.  At first they had all the elementary school class skits and presentations.  Then they went on to do Honor Roll, Straight A  Honor Roll, Perfect Attendance, and so on.  Lastly they did classroom awards.  In the elementary school every child got an award.  Most improved handwriting, most inquisitive, etc...  In middle school they only gave awards to three kids in Brandon's class.  Brandon was one of the only kids that did not receive an award.  Normally this type of thing doesn't bother me, but this time it did.  If elementary classes did across the board, and the elementary and middle school has the same ceremony dates and times, I think the middle school should do the same.  I sent the teacher an email with my thoughts about this and he responded to me about the awards ceremony and also about the spitting incident on Monday. 

My Email:

Hello Mr. Connor,

I have been thinking since this afternoon's awards ceremony.

I think it is wonderful to show encouragement and reward academic achievements for the students that have worked so hard for it.  That being said I feel that all classes should be held to the same format during an awards ceremony.  All kids are not straight A students, or have perfect attendance, etc.  I know this because I am the parent of one of the kids that does not have straight A's or perfect attendance.  I understand that these achievements must be earned and not every child earns such an achievement.  I know that disappointment is a part of life and I know that not getting these achievements is important to build character and make people want to work harder.  But when I see the elementary students each get a classroom award for most improved handwriting, most inquisitive, etc. it shows that although not honor roll or straight A's that there teachers are seeing the good in what they are working towards.  For the middle school to not follow this format is upsetting.  Brandon did not get ONE award when if not all, almost all, of the other students received something for their achievements.   Seeing how the kids that go to Oak Park are up against great challenges, more than a child without a behavioral issue, wouldn't it be beneficial to their delicate self esteem to acknowledge something great about all the children?  Brandon is a great reader, and a good helper, and has improved his foul language along with other things that are important to him and our family.  It would have been fantastic to come to an awards ceremony and see a look of pride and a smile on his face and to encourage him to work even harder in the 2nd quarter to earn maybe honor roll, or an award for community of caring.  I try to look at things from his point of view, and can see him hoping inside that one of those awards were for him.  I know that I had my camera ready to snap a picture when his name was called.  I guess that what I'm trying to say is that if classroom awards are being done for all students in some classes, they should be done for all students in all classes. 

I hope that my feedback will be considered for future award ceremonies.

Respectfully,

Julie Davidson

 

His Response:

 

Ms. Davidson,

 

I definitely understand your suggestions  for including everyone in the awards recognition, and I will definitely consider them when time for our next awards ceremony is coming up.  While I don’t necessarily believe in providing awards across the board, I do see them as a possible motivator to do better.  I would like to see Brandon strive for recognition in one of the areas that you mentioned, and would be happy to coordinate with you on a behavior of concern that we could target.  While he may not be a straight A student now, he is a very capable and intelligent student, and would like to encourage him to live up to his potential.   I will be more mindful in the future when choosing awards.

 

As far as his current behavior is concerned, I know you received the information about his behavior towards me today.  It started when he was off task, and was talking and being disruptive throughout math class.  I tried to talk to him, include him with our discussions, and encourage him to participate.   I finally decided to send him to time out when he continued to be disruptive, and crushed up the assignment we were working on.   He used inappropriate language towards the class, and spit towards me when he was leaving.  I am continuing to adjust my approach to see what works with Brandon, and was not sure why my approach today resulted in this behavior.  I try to keep students in the classroom when possible, and only when the disruption affected the rest of the classes ability to focus on the lesson did I decide to send Brandon to timeout.

 

Thank you,

 

Joseph Conner

Middle School Math and Science

 

 

Spitting Mad....

Well...I've got to give it to Brandon.  He sure livens up the household.  I guess the fact that things are calming down at home gave him the urge to spice um up. 

I just got off the phone with the school.  The new vice principal called to let me know about a disturbing incident that occurred today which results in his suspension from school for one day.  Brandon was acting up in class and calling other students names.  When the teacher approached him Brandon called him an asshole and spit in his face.  I cannot imagine any circumstance that would give me the urge to spit in someone's face...EVER.  He was brought to the time out room where the vice principal, teacher, and the police officer at the school had a talk with him about the severity of what he did.  The vice principal said she was disappointed at Brandon's lack of appropriate response to the police officer talking with him.  He told the police officer that it would be great for him to go to jail then he could live with his father.  Brandon has not seen his father since he was 3 years old.  By the time that his father gets out of prison in 2038, Brandon will be a man.  I cannot understand why he wants to be in jail with him.  His father is in prison for a reason.  A reason that I have yet to tell Brandon about yet.  Does this warrant me having a talk with Brandon about the circumstances of his fathers prison time?  When is a right time?  What do you say?  How do you say it?  The vice principal also said that Brandon is upset that he has no friends at school or at home.  Well of course he doesn't, he's a jerk to kids his age.  She then asked me if I would mind telling him about his suspension when he comes home from school because they don't want to upset him.  I told her she created the consequence, she needs to tell him.  That would be like him getting in trouble at home and me having the school tell him we are taking away his TV privileges.  Doesn't make sense, does it?  They don't want to upset him?

I have to so say that this school year at Oak Park South has been the most frustrating.  All the staff I have been working with over the years is gone.  Almost everyone is new, and not improved!

I hope that this isn't the beginning of another cycle.  It's been nice having him mostly stable.  I know that with this Bipolar disorder that it will always reappear, but it would be REALLY nice to have a longer stable period.  I won't put negative energy out there but saying what I just said.  I will attempt to remain positive, but I am realistic. 

     

Brandon's previous Psychiatrist makes the news!

http://www.manateesheriff.com/Public%20Interest/BookingInfo.aspx?ID=10156012

Check this out!  We called him Dr Kevorkian!

The pieces come together.....well kinda (written some time between April and July?)

Well I think I left off with Dr Doolittle, doing little. He may have finally come to the realization that the Daytrana patch and stimulant medications are not working and have never been a good fit for him. He finally gave up on the thought of this Daytrana patch being the silver bullet. He said Brandon may be the 1 in 10,000 kids that react the way he did to the stimulant medication. This is good, this is bad. This really just puts us back to the drawing board. He is now going to concentrate on managing his bipolar symptoms. He increased his lamictal to 150 mg and will slowly go up on the dosage to see if we can see some relief. We have to watch extremely closely for a serious, dangerous rash associated with this medication which is called Steven Johnson syndrome. Rick's sister, Maureen came with us. I think she thought that by being there we would get answers. It's sad to see someone’s face when they realize how broken our system is. She asked him what he was going to do to ensure that he won't be on the news. He told her he has 500 patients that are in the same boat of symptom/diagnostic severity that could be on the news. How scary is that? 500 kids that have the potential to be the next Adam Lanza or other mentally ill gunman. Multiply that by all the mental health professionals. That's a lot of unbalanced kids and depleted parents.




We had an IEP meeting last Friday and that went well. The school added summer school to his IEP so that he will be eligible to enroll in the summer camp program with Oak Park. We sent his enrollment, scholarship, and deposit out on Friday. I hope to hear something soon. This will alleviate the stress on Kaylin having Brandon home, it will also help Brandon work on his school skills he has been losing, and keep me working without worry of him getting kicked out.

The Head Banger's Ball, or just banging my head on a wall

We followed up with the neurologist yesterday in Fort Myers.  He wanted to see Brandon and go over his test results and examine him for signs of neurofibromatosis.  According to the doctor he spoke with Brandon's pediatrician who told him that Brandon has lisch nodules in his eyes.  Lisch nodules are one of the symptoms of neurofibromatosis.  I already knew this.  He saw a genetics specialist when he was six or seven because he had multiple café aulaits on his body.  They told me he needed to have another symptom to be diagnosed.  We are looking for these lisch nodules or freckling in his groin or/and armpits.  He sees an eye specialist once a year to look for the nodules in his eyes.  He has had neither.  I explained to the neurologist that Brandon has iris cysts, not lisch nodules.  I wanted to scream at him!  We have been down this road and back again.  He let me know that he wanted to see Brandon in one year and recommended that he have a physical therapy evaluation to see if they can help with is balance and gait.  More appointments!  I sure hope he doesn't expect me to drive to Fort Myers once a week for physical therapy.  Knowing our luck his insurance won't cover it anyway. 

My evening closed with a visit for Brandon's med management with the psych group we take him to.  He asked Brandon some monotone questions.  I asked him about better managing his ADHD and he gave a slip for labwork and said see you in twelve weeks. 

Overall I have had a throughout run around which is completely normal I suppose. 

No answers, more questions.

Why does it take so long to get no answer?  What are we missing, what are they missing?  Is this why my mind is missing? 

He is eating again, which is AWESOME!  Gained a few pounds.

Two steps forward, three miles back

Now it is October and we've been here there and everywhere.  Last October Brandon was Baker Acted for audio and visual hallucinations.  This year at this time he is mostly stable.  Since March he has lost 48 pounds.  We've been to the pediatrician who's sent us for lab work, and an MRI of his brain.  She's send us to a neurologist who's sent us for lab work, and EEG, and an MRI of his spine.  He's send us to a neurosurgeon who then sent us back to the neurologist.  And round and round.  He has gained almost 2 pounds since his MRI of the spine which is a good thing.  He needs to have eye surgery still but we were waiting to see what all these tests were going to tell us.  Which was NOTHING!  His bipolar seems somewhat under control, he's not violent now, just mouthy and inappropriate.  He needs his ADHD meds adjusted but he can't have stimulant medications and his insurance doesn't cover any other the non stimulant options because of cost.  I've been putting this off as well until the weight loss issue was addressed.  The neurologist felt his weight loss was a major concern, but couldn't explain why he was losing so quickly.  While examining him he became greatly concerned with his gait and balance and gave him a generic "gait disorder", and "movement disorder".  We go back on Monday for who knows what.  Possibly another round of tests, or a referral to yet another specialist.  I'm getting frustrated, this same thing happened when he was 7 and the pediatrician was concerned he had neurofibromatosis.  Cat Scans, lab work, eye specialist,  and a trip to All Children's to see the genetics specialist and no further answers then.  I think after awhile I just get frustrated and stop all the nonsense.  Maybe there is no explanation for the mystery called Brandon.  This is just how he is?  No reason?  Progression of his bipolar disorder (neurologist mentioned this) whatever that may mean?  What does that even look like? 

Another concern I've had is with Noah, my little guy.  He's been having some wicked tantrums and it scares me that I'll have two Brandon's.  Of course that's not a realistic statement, but after what I've been through with Brandon it scares the shit out of me.  Having Brandon in my life has changed me forever.  It's changed my view on the world, and changed me into a parent that I'd never thought I'd be and never wanted to be.  When I had Kaylin I made sure she ate enough vegetables, did craft projects, flash cards, homework, etc...  Since Brandon came, everything I ever envisioned when becoming a parent flew out the window.  I have become that insane woman in Wal-Mart that you see with the three wild kids.  Having a Brandon, if you've never had one, makes you realize that what you think things should look like from the outside don't matter.  It doesn't matter what people say about you, your parenting, your housekeeping, or anything.  If you don't live it, you can't possibly even understand or even try to.  It has taught me to be less judgmental, more caring, more tolerant, more patient, more humble, and more dependent on anti anxiety medication.  It has taught me that my "normal" is different that your "normal" and that's okay.  It's okay, right?

I had a talk with my dad a few weeks back which really made me think.  He always has a way of saying things that make me think in a different way, which is awesome!  I was talking about those moms that work full time, go to college, have joined all the committees, and super involved with everything.  I was venting about how I can't get that work/life balance I so desperately thought I craved.  He told me that balance is a myth, and he is right!   I've decided that thinking there has to be a balance has set me up to fail, and to always fall short of my unrealistic expectations.  Expectations that society has placed on me to "do it all".  This is why I'm okay with serving only mashed potatoes for dinner, why I let me son go to school looking like he is in his pajamas, why my 4 year old plays too much on the iphone, why my daughter mopes in her room like I've ruined her life.  In the big picture, the big scheme of things, none of that shit matters.  It matters that I'm giving my kids love, acceptance, setting a good example by working hard, encouraging their individuality, teaching what's right and what's wrong and hoping that they turn out to be semi productive humans.  Or just humans. 

I hope that my kids make better choices that I did growing up so that they can be productive and not struggle financially.  It's frustrating day to day and check to check.  I work hard and hope to reap the benefits financially someday.  This month is Kaylin's birthday and I'm scrambling to pay the late bills from last month, have a party for her, would love to get her an awesome gift, and still have to buy Halloween costumes on top of this months bills.  Next month and the month after, and the month after will be the same song over and over and I hate it.  I'd like to get my van fixed and pay off my debt and do some home repairs or move into a bigger home.  I'm happy with what I have and am not being ungrateful for what I don't have.  I guess I'm just frustrated and don't want my kids to make the same mistakes buy not going to college, or having kids at a young age.  I'm done whining, sorry! 

The Dark Side of the Moon...part 2

Well things have been super hectic. I've finally found my way out of the funk I was in and am moving in a forward positive direction.  It's hard to come out of such a dark hole when it's so much easier to not do anything about anything.  But the show must go on. 

I think we left off with Brandon seeing a new ARNP and a different practice.  Rick and I really liked this man.  He felt like Brandon's ADHD symptoms have not been properly addressed.  He recommended a ADHD stimulant patch call Daytrana.  The trouble was we couldn't find it and when we finally found a pharmacy to order it, it wasn't covered under insurance.  We discovered that his insurance only covered 3 ADHD type medications.  He prescribed generic Concerta which turned into another visit at the doctors office because Brandon couldn't stop moving, even when he wasn't moving.  The universe rewarded us with my father offering to pay for the patch and we soon felt a renewed sense of hope.  We started the patch April 4th and things have gone down hill rapidly since then.  Last week he had FCAT testing and his point sheets were coming home with 80's and 90's.  We were so elated!  Maybe the rapid decline was just his body adjusting the meds.  Woot Woot!  I expressed my excitement in an email to his teacher letting her know how proud I was of him for pulling it together for FCAT testing and how I hoped he kept up the good work.  I then I got shot down, she popped my balloon.  She replied to my email stated they were taking it easier on him because they knew it was a medication issue and he's been horrible in school.  This prompted me to make yet another appointment with the new ARNP for help once again.  Wasn't I surprised when this man I thought cared and was here to help ended up being dismissing and almost belittling in a way.  We were rushed though the appointment.  I brought all the documentation from the school, emails, referrals, hand writing samples to show his decline.  Mr ARNP informed me that there was no pill for handwriting, increase the dosage of the patch to 20mg and told me not to come back for 4 weeks.  I left there fighting tears.

We gave him the increased dose of his patch yesterday.  The school called that afternoon because he got in multiple physical and verbal altercations on several different occasions.  He was moved to the timeout wrong where he got physical with the school staff.  They called the school resource officer to assist in restraining him and keeping him safe.  His violence escalated and the school resource office almost had him arrested for Battery on a school board member. 

I called the doctors office yet again (I didn't want to) and left a message with the nurse.  I'm still waiting for her to call me back. 

He's lost 19 lbs since we've started with the stimulant medications and he's hungry but when he goes to eat finds that the food smells bad.  He's hyper, doesn't stop talking, doesn't sleep well, explosive, and so on and so forth.  I think the use of stimulants has triggered in some way his mania, but what the fuck do I know. 

Not sure what to do.  Rick's mom said I should call Dr. Phil, my step dad wants me to file a complaint against the doctor and write a letter to congress, my mom wants him to see an actual doctor in the Punta Gorda office.  I just want help.  I'm not some crazy mom that wants attention from their kids psych doctor because I'm bored.  He's not okay and he needs help.  If I get in my happy little car and drive him to the crisis stabilization unit and he's not bat shit crazy, they send me home. 

I wish people had some real answers for me instead of all the wacky stuff they think I should do.

Some assembly required. (written 3/16/13)

My home life is quite a mess.  My house is a mess, my son is a mess, my daughter is angry, I'm depressed and get through my day with Xanax.  We are all broken pieces in our own little world of disfunction.  But it's my family and it's my life.  And we know it.  We know how we look to others, we just don't care.  We laugh about it, we crack silly inappropriate jokes about mental health and crisis stabalization units, and meds.  And we keep trying to get through the day so we can recharge for what the next day will bring.  Whomever is stronger that day deals with the current crisis while the other adult deals their own way.  Rick and I are good like that.  I'm strong, I deal, he's strong, he deals. It works for us.  So what happens when we are both deflated and beaten down?  We got a little taste last week.  I decided I needed some pharmacutical assistance with my depression in which I had a severe allergic reaction.  I was useless for about a week.  Rick had to pick up my slack and had to deal with it all.  It was rough.  Things are getting back to their messed up normal and I'm stepping back in with crisis intervention or what ever title you want to label Brandon's whatever you want to call it.

Reflections of the way life used to be....

Or reflections of the way I wish life were or life could be.  What would it be like if things were different?  If Brandon wasn't bipolar and his other variety pack of ever changing diagnoses.  What would I be struggling with, I imagine it would be something. But I wouldn't have my understanding of things in this world without him.  I would have continued on into oblivion about mental illness. 

I'm not a loud voice in the world of advocacy.  I don't have facebook pages, or a blog that is actually read, or walk for the cause and what have you.  I am Brandon's voice though, the only one he has.  The more I read, the more scared I get.  I read on other's blogs about how the system has failed them and there mentally ill child, now adult is in jail and not received meds or services.  Is that him later down the road?  Too much uncertainty keeps me unsettled.

Brandon and I met with a new group on Monday.  We met for a mental health assessment for services and to get a new doctor, hopefully one that will listen and help.  I didn't hate the therapist, but I didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling either.  He will meet with the Nurse Practitioner on March 11th.  I don't even get a doctor.  My thought process on this is as follows;  if I'm going to get a shitty doctor it might as well be closer to home.  This group seems more organized than Family Preservation.  Hopefully they can help.  I'm definitely guarded. 

As I look into my crystal ball

I'm looking in my crystal ball, well not really-but if I did I would see Brandon being hospitalized again.  He is hearing people talking to him in the mirrors.  Kinda freaky and I feel for him, I really do.  He's only 11 years old, I couldn't imagine what it must feel like to be him.  I know what it feels like for me to deal with him, but the actually try to live life though his eyes is terrifying.  He's having a hard time at school and at home and that worries me.  Usually it's one or the other.  I like it when it's just at home so the poor people at the school get a break.  I don't really like it, but I don't wish it upon others.  It says something when he is at a "special" school and they are having trouble dealing with his behaviors.  He actually got suspended from this school not too long ago for assaulting a teachers aide.  It's REALLY hard to get suspended from a "special" school like the one that Brandon is in.  I wonder if on Monday when he goes for his assessment they will Baker Act him on the spot.  I guess we will see.  I will update all you non existent, imaginary followers when I hear something.  Echo Echo Echo....LOL

Back to the drawing board

So here we are, back to the drawing board.  Brandon goes on Monday for a mental health assessment with a different provider.  I've mentioned before that I was unhappy with his current provider.  We have been unable to reach his current doctor regarding his Risperdal.  The pharmacy can't fill it without the doctor either changing the dosage to twice a day instead of three times a day (because the insurance company doesn't like him getting it three times) or the doctor need to call and file a dispute with the insurance company.  It has been three weeks and we still don't have any meds and no returned phone calls.  After the doctor telling Rick that he needs to start showing my 11 year old how to be a man, the toxic dose of Depakote he keeps trying to cram down my sons throat, and now this-I've had enough.

I find that every once in awhile I find renewed strength.  I guess I am at this point once again.  New therapist, new doctor, new false hope I suppose.  I will fight with all I have to make Brandon more functional.  I will fight and fight and fight.  Then I will get tired and kind of become complacent.  Just try to tune it out and pretend it's not there.  I am cautious about starting over with a new therapist and new doctor.  It seems like I spend the first few months convincing them that I am not a terrible parent.  New meds equal new side effects.  I just want them to listen, to really listen, and try to understand and try to help.  He is having audio and visual hallucinations again which is par for the course for bi polar psychosis as he is manic again.  And the beat goes on....

You need to....

You need to make sure Brandon goes to bed earlier.  You need to spank him more.  You need to be more consistent.  You need to feed him a gluten free diet, a dye free diet, and whole foods diet.  You need to follow through.  You need to send him to in patient care.  You need to take him off of all the meds.  You need a rainbow star chart.   Blah blah blah.....

And then you all wonder when you ask how things are, I say they are just fine.

You don't get it.  You don't know the fight we fight.  Everything is a fight.  Wiping his ass, washing his hands, flushing the toilet, going to bed, food, homework, EVERYTHING!  We pick our fights, we have to or we wouldn't stop fighting with him.  There would be nothing left of us.  All that's left is a sloppy puddle of who we were anyway.  What's gonna set him off?  I pick what's important and stick with it.  This may mean he didn't have a bath, or do his homework; but let me tell you he did wipe his ass and have an entire can of corn for dinner.

So all you judgemental assholes that don't get.....shut it.  Keep your opinions to yourself.  If I want it, I'll ask. 

And I am just fine....

Things have been interesting here...

We have had an interesting and horrible few days here.  Our lab mix, Sadie, was euthanized on Thursday.  Apparantly she ingested rat poison.  We are holding our breath watching our other pets thinking they may have gotten into something too.  Especially my daughters cat, Freckles, who is a fearless hunter.  The vet suggested that maybe a neighbor put rat poison in their shed and one of the rats came into our yard where a very curious Sadie got it.  The uncertainty is stressful.

Speaking of stressful.....this has sent Brandon into a manic episode.  Woo hoo!  He goes from super hyper giggly with inappropriate jokes about dead dogs to a violent weeping asshole.  I'm scared.  I'm scared about his future and I'm scared about the future of my other two children.  I'm scared what he may do in our sleep when he's older.  I'm scared he's going to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.  I'm scared he's gonna meet a girl, fall in love, beat the shit out of her.  I'm scared about him being a sexual predator (no signs of this, just me being scared).  I'm scared for my youngest who sees his brothers behaviors and doesn't know any different.  I'm sad for my daughter who is scared of him. i guess you see where I'm going with this.  Round and round the bipolar roulette wheel.  My biggest fear is that he will be one of these kids that turns into a shooter, I'm more scared of this than if he only took his own life.  I'm scared I will be one of the mothers of one of these kids.  I'm scared that one day, ten years from now an angry mob of humans will come across this paragraph after my son's horrendous crime and ask why didn't I do something.

After the Sandy Hook shooting with the Adam Lanza kid I read a blog called, "I am Adam Lanza's mother".  I was so shaken after I read it.  They were talking about me and my son. 

Where do I go from here?  Back to the psych doctor, back to the therapist, back to the pharmacy.   Keep trying, keep fighting, keep looking for someone to care enough to really help.  Not these bullshit Medicaid doctors that don't give a fuck and try to cram in as many kids and write as many scripts as possible because they get $10 a visit or some crap like that.  Another example of a system broken into so many pieces that you don't even know what the picture is on the box.

Florida's Mental Health System Sucks

I just received notification from Brandon's current therapist that she will no longer be with the company.  I have to say I'm not very happy about this.  She is the only person in the organization that we deal with that isn't a complete idiot and knows what's going on.  We go to Family Preservation in Sarasota and see Dr. Goldman.  I have been nothing but disappointed with Dr. Goldman and have very few options for changing doctors that take Medicaid and are also not complete assholes.  An example of his competency; Dr. Goldman told Rick that it was time Rick started showing Brandon how to be a man, or when adjusting yet another medication I asked the doctor, "Is it always going to be like this?", and he responded, "Only if you want it to".  Dr. Goldman has also prescribed a dose of Depakote that has been proven toxic to Brandon in the past and  I called to find out what to do and I am still waiting for a response.

Why is this system so broken?  What are the parents that do care and the parents that want to help their kids suppose to do?

I wanted to win the lottery.  Why, do you ask?  Because I wanted to be able to pick a good doctor for my son and pay for it.  And be able to pay for medications he may need that the insurance company fights us on. 

Bipolar mini melt

I guess I can vent now....

I guess I can pretty much type whatever the fuck I want.  It's been since 2009 since I've blogged on here.  I KNOW know one reads this.  Maybe I can get out in cyber space about the disappointment and depression that has been slowly, and quietly wrapping it's tendrils dragging me down into black nothingness.  Then I don't have to listen to people tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix things.  Or tell me some bullshit that they don't mean.  People don't want to hear about it, they listen because they should or because it's the right thing to do, not because they want to.   And they offer advice, advice that is politically correct or what they should say.  Not cold hard truths.

I've been depressed, not motivated, not caring, not doing anything about it.  Doubting myself and doubting everything and everyone.

Disappointed in my life and what I want from it.  What I need and what I'm getting from it.

I need a bigger house; and one that didn't have terrible memories of horrible things that happened.  One with an extra bedroom and maybe a family room or den so we can escape from one another.  To fart without someone tasting it.  But I can't pay for it, can't afford the down payment, my credit sucks, so on and so forth.  Does anyone just want to buy me a house and not want to be paid back?  Well...there is no one who reads this rambling nonsense.  LOL.

I watch all these people in my life doing well.  Doing well or at least comfortably financially.  They worked hard for it and they deserve all they have.  But they make it look so easy.  I often wonder what it would be like to just go clothes shopping and not have to take it away from a bill, or put it on a credit card.  Or grocery shopping, or buy my kids the things they need when they need them without taking from the budget or only buying these things when its tax return season.  

I look at people with their clean houses, well behaved kids, nice clothes on thin bodies and houses that are too big for them and wonder why I didn't go to college, why did I have a baby when I was 17, or not make the choices that I should have.  Life would have been easier, things would be better.  Right? 

I forgot I had a blog...wow have things changed.

Brandon is now 11, he will be 12 in August.  We have still been struggling with behaviors and now we have a 3 1/2 year old to throw in the mix. 

Our most recent "crisis" was in October he started going down hill when the school year let up.  We thought it may be the transition of going to Middle School in the fall.  He kept getting in trouble in summer camp, being suspended multiple times and his episodes of violence increasing in frequency and severity.  Rick took him to his psych appointment after we discovered that he was having audio and visual hallucinations.  At the doctors appointment he freaked, and was Baker Acted to Bayside in Sarasota.  They played with his meds and send him home after a week.  This was the first time we went to Bayside; he had been to Coastal before but they no longer accepted children. 

Still doing medication management, still struggling to get him under control.  His weight has gone out of control and everything is still a constant struggle. 

He was doing well....mainstreamed from Oak Park back to Toledo Blade into regular ed classes.  Started Middle School and things rapidly went down hill.  Fights with students and staff, running out of classrooms, flipping desks.  More and more meetings at the school...I saw what the school was doing; they were tightening the reigns and getting their paperwork ready to send him back to Oak Park.  So here we are 3+ years later, exactly in the same place. 

My family and I are in a different place so to speak.  We don't hang out with people that don't understand.  People say they understand, but they don't.  Until you live it you can't.  No one sees what we see.  No one knows how hard it is and what kind of magical act we have to put on to make sure Brandon is where he needs to be when we are with people.  We have to constantly watch to see if he is getting agitated and try to redirect before we end up providing people with the evenings entertainment. 

If I hear someone else say, "you guys are great parents", "we give you a lot of credit", or "you are so patient" I will punch someone right in the face.

So I suppose my theraputic blogging will resume and we will see how things evolve.