Sunday, November 24, 2013

This post is about me this time

I've been feeling not quite enough lately.  Not enough of a woman, mother, employee, chef, house keeper, everything.  I don't know why, well I kind of do...

I guess I feel like somewhat of a failure, that I have gone terribly wrong with raising my children.  I wish they came with instructions, even though truthfully I wouldn't read them anyway.  I wish they would just magically turn out the way they are suppose to.  I wish they were happy, polite, grateful, appreciative, etc.  I wish that my four year old wasn't the one preschooler that has been suspended twice barely past the first quarter of the school year and that I wasn't in the process of calling a conference with his preschool to discuss what I feel are there short comings. 

My little Noah, my blessing, my joy.  He is becoming what we never thought we would have to go through again.  He is having tantrums, are they normal?  I don't know, all I have to compare his development with is Brandon.  I don't know what is normal for a 4 year old boy because I've never had a "normal" four year old boy. I know that his preschool is concerned, and parents have expressed concern for there children's safety.  And they are setting him up to hate school which is the last thing I want to happen. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to have to do this again.  I don't want to need to have a mental health assessment on another one of my children.  I don't want to do more therapy appointments, or possibly even medication management.  I don't want to be lectured by people that have no children or children without issues that have the label "professional".  I beat myself up enough about how I raise my kids.  What I should have done differently, what I may have done wrong. I don't need anymore criticism.  I need one of these so called "professionals" to really listen, understand, and offer some real solutions.  Not something they read in a book.

So here I am, in a hole, again.  This time I will not go to the doctor and get anti depressants like I did last time.  This time I'll work through it and find my worth.  I'll brush myself off and make an appointment with the preschool and ask what concerns they have and ask what they are doing in the classroom to help.  I'll ask if they called the "warm line" and if they didn't, why not.  I've already contacted the Florida Center and have the contact information to get him an assessment. 

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