I just received notification from Brandon's current therapist that she will no longer be with the company. I have to say I'm not very happy about this. She is the only person in the organization that we deal with that isn't a complete idiot and knows what's going on. We go to Family Preservation in Sarasota and see Dr. Goldman. I have been nothing but disappointed with Dr. Goldman and have very few options for changing doctors that take Medicaid and are also not complete assholes. An example of his competency; Dr. Goldman told Rick that it was time Rick started showing Brandon how to be a man, or when adjusting yet another medication I asked the doctor, "Is it always going to be like this?", and he responded, "Only if you want it to". Dr. Goldman has also prescribed a dose of Depakote that has been proven toxic to Brandon in the past and I called to find out what to do and I am still waiting for a response.
Why is this system so broken? What are the parents that do care and the parents that want to help their kids suppose to do?
I wanted to win the lottery. Why, do you ask? Because I wanted to be able to pick a good doctor for my son and pay for it. And be able to pay for medications he may need that the insurance company fights us on.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
I guess I can vent now....
I guess I can pretty much type whatever the fuck I want. It's been since 2009 since I've blogged on here. I KNOW know one reads this. Maybe I can get out in cyber space about the disappointment and depression that has been slowly, and quietly wrapping it's tendrils dragging me down into black nothingness. Then I don't have to listen to people tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix things. Or tell me some bullshit that they don't mean. People don't want to hear about it, they listen because they should or because it's the right thing to do, not because they want to. And they offer advice, advice that is politically correct or what they should say. Not cold hard truths.
I've been depressed, not motivated, not caring, not doing anything about it. Doubting myself and doubting everything and everyone.
Disappointed in my life and what I want from it. What I need and what I'm getting from it.
I need a bigger house; and one that didn't have terrible memories of horrible things that happened. One with an extra bedroom and maybe a family room or den so we can escape from one another. To fart without someone tasting it. But I can't pay for it, can't afford the down payment, my credit sucks, so on and so forth. Does anyone just want to buy me a house and not want to be paid back? Well...there is no one who reads this rambling nonsense. LOL.
I watch all these people in my life doing well. Doing well or at least comfortably financially. They worked hard for it and they deserve all they have. But they make it look so easy. I often wonder what it would be like to just go clothes shopping and not have to take it away from a bill, or put it on a credit card. Or grocery shopping, or buy my kids the things they need when they need them without taking from the budget or only buying these things when its tax return season.
I look at people with their clean houses, well behaved kids, nice clothes on thin bodies and houses that are too big for them and wonder why I didn't go to college, why did I have a baby when I was 17, or not make the choices that I should have. Life would have been easier, things would be better. Right?
I've been depressed, not motivated, not caring, not doing anything about it. Doubting myself and doubting everything and everyone.
Disappointed in my life and what I want from it. What I need and what I'm getting from it.
I need a bigger house; and one that didn't have terrible memories of horrible things that happened. One with an extra bedroom and maybe a family room or den so we can escape from one another. To fart without someone tasting it. But I can't pay for it, can't afford the down payment, my credit sucks, so on and so forth. Does anyone just want to buy me a house and not want to be paid back? Well...there is no one who reads this rambling nonsense. LOL.
I watch all these people in my life doing well. Doing well or at least comfortably financially. They worked hard for it and they deserve all they have. But they make it look so easy. I often wonder what it would be like to just go clothes shopping and not have to take it away from a bill, or put it on a credit card. Or grocery shopping, or buy my kids the things they need when they need them without taking from the budget or only buying these things when its tax return season.
I look at people with their clean houses, well behaved kids, nice clothes on thin bodies and houses that are too big for them and wonder why I didn't go to college, why did I have a baby when I was 17, or not make the choices that I should have. Life would have been easier, things would be better. Right?
I forgot I had a blog...wow have things changed.
Brandon is now 11, he will be 12 in August. We have still been struggling with behaviors and now we have a 3 1/2 year old to throw in the mix.
Our most recent "crisis" was in October he started going down hill when the school year let up. We thought it may be the transition of going to Middle School in the fall. He kept getting in trouble in summer camp, being suspended multiple times and his episodes of violence increasing in frequency and severity. Rick took him to his psych appointment after we discovered that he was having audio and visual hallucinations. At the doctors appointment he freaked, and was Baker Acted to Bayside in Sarasota. They played with his meds and send him home after a week. This was the first time we went to Bayside; he had been to Coastal before but they no longer accepted children.
Still doing medication management, still struggling to get him under control. His weight has gone out of control and everything is still a constant struggle.
He was doing well....mainstreamed from Oak Park back to Toledo Blade into regular ed classes. Started Middle School and things rapidly went down hill. Fights with students and staff, running out of classrooms, flipping desks. More and more meetings at the school...I saw what the school was doing; they were tightening the reigns and getting their paperwork ready to send him back to Oak Park. So here we are 3+ years later, exactly in the same place.
My family and I are in a different place so to speak. We don't hang out with people that don't understand. People say they understand, but they don't. Until you live it you can't. No one sees what we see. No one knows how hard it is and what kind of magical act we have to put on to make sure Brandon is where he needs to be when we are with people. We have to constantly watch to see if he is getting agitated and try to redirect before we end up providing people with the evenings entertainment.
If I hear someone else say, "you guys are great parents", "we give you a lot of credit", or "you are so patient" I will punch someone right in the face.
So I suppose my theraputic blogging will resume and we will see how things evolve.
Our most recent "crisis" was in October he started going down hill when the school year let up. We thought it may be the transition of going to Middle School in the fall. He kept getting in trouble in summer camp, being suspended multiple times and his episodes of violence increasing in frequency and severity. Rick took him to his psych appointment after we discovered that he was having audio and visual hallucinations. At the doctors appointment he freaked, and was Baker Acted to Bayside in Sarasota. They played with his meds and send him home after a week. This was the first time we went to Bayside; he had been to Coastal before but they no longer accepted children.
Still doing medication management, still struggling to get him under control. His weight has gone out of control and everything is still a constant struggle.
He was doing well....mainstreamed from Oak Park back to Toledo Blade into regular ed classes. Started Middle School and things rapidly went down hill. Fights with students and staff, running out of classrooms, flipping desks. More and more meetings at the school...I saw what the school was doing; they were tightening the reigns and getting their paperwork ready to send him back to Oak Park. So here we are 3+ years later, exactly in the same place.
My family and I are in a different place so to speak. We don't hang out with people that don't understand. People say they understand, but they don't. Until you live it you can't. No one sees what we see. No one knows how hard it is and what kind of magical act we have to put on to make sure Brandon is where he needs to be when we are with people. We have to constantly watch to see if he is getting agitated and try to redirect before we end up providing people with the evenings entertainment.
If I hear someone else say, "you guys are great parents", "we give you a lot of credit", or "you are so patient" I will punch someone right in the face.
So I suppose my theraputic blogging will resume and we will see how things evolve.
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