Things have been interesting here...

We have had an interesting and horrible few days here.  Our lab mix, Sadie, was euthanized on Thursday.  Apparantly she ingested rat poison.  We are holding our breath watching our other pets thinking they may have gotten into something too.  Especially my daughters cat, Freckles, who is a fearless hunter.  The vet suggested that maybe a neighbor put rat poison in their shed and one of the rats came into our yard where a very curious Sadie got it.  The uncertainty is stressful.

Speaking of stressful.....this has sent Brandon into a manic episode.  Woo hoo!  He goes from super hyper giggly with inappropriate jokes about dead dogs to a violent weeping asshole.  I'm scared.  I'm scared about his future and I'm scared about the future of my other two children.  I'm scared what he may do in our sleep when he's older.  I'm scared he's going to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.  I'm scared he's gonna meet a girl, fall in love, beat the shit out of her.  I'm scared about him being a sexual predator (no signs of this, just me being scared).  I'm scared for my youngest who sees his brothers behaviors and doesn't know any different.  I'm sad for my daughter who is scared of him. i guess you see where I'm going with this.  Round and round the bipolar roulette wheel.  My biggest fear is that he will be one of these kids that turns into a shooter, I'm more scared of this than if he only took his own life.  I'm scared I will be one of the mothers of one of these kids.  I'm scared that one day, ten years from now an angry mob of humans will come across this paragraph after my son's horrendous crime and ask why didn't I do something.

After the Sandy Hook shooting with the Adam Lanza kid I read a blog called, "I am Adam Lanza's mother".  I was so shaken after I read it.  They were talking about me and my son. 

Where do I go from here?  Back to the psych doctor, back to the therapist, back to the pharmacy.   Keep trying, keep fighting, keep looking for someone to care enough to really help.  Not these bullshit Medicaid doctors that don't give a fuck and try to cram in as many kids and write as many scripts as possible because they get $10 a visit or some crap like that.  Another example of a system broken into so many pieces that you don't even know what the picture is on the box.