I guess I can vent now....

I guess I can pretty much type whatever the fuck I want.  It's been since 2009 since I've blogged on here.  I KNOW know one reads this.  Maybe I can get out in cyber space about the disappointment and depression that has been slowly, and quietly wrapping it's tendrils dragging me down into black nothingness.  Then I don't have to listen to people tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix things.  Or tell me some bullshit that they don't mean.  People don't want to hear about it, they listen because they should or because it's the right thing to do, not because they want to.   And they offer advice, advice that is politically correct or what they should say.  Not cold hard truths.

I've been depressed, not motivated, not caring, not doing anything about it.  Doubting myself and doubting everything and everyone.

Disappointed in my life and what I want from it.  What I need and what I'm getting from it.

I need a bigger house; and one that didn't have terrible memories of horrible things that happened.  One with an extra bedroom and maybe a family room or den so we can escape from one another.  To fart without someone tasting it.  But I can't pay for it, can't afford the down payment, my credit sucks, so on and so forth.  Does anyone just want to buy me a house and not want to be paid back?  Well...there is no one who reads this rambling nonsense.  LOL.

I watch all these people in my life doing well.  Doing well or at least comfortably financially.  They worked hard for it and they deserve all they have.  But they make it look so easy.  I often wonder what it would be like to just go clothes shopping and not have to take it away from a bill, or put it on a credit card.  Or grocery shopping, or buy my kids the things they need when they need them without taking from the budget or only buying these things when its tax return season.  

I look at people with their clean houses, well behaved kids, nice clothes on thin bodies and houses that are too big for them and wonder why I didn't go to college, why did I have a baby when I was 17, or not make the choices that I should have.  Life would have been easier, things would be better.  Right?