This post is about me this time

I've been feeling not quite enough lately.  Not enough of a woman, mother, employee, chef, house keeper, everything.  I don't know why, well I kind of do...

I guess I feel like somewhat of a failure, that I have gone terribly wrong with raising my children.  I wish they came with instructions, even though truthfully I wouldn't read them anyway.  I wish they would just magically turn out the way they are suppose to.  I wish they were happy, polite, grateful, appreciative, etc.  I wish that my four year old wasn't the one preschooler that has been suspended twice barely past the first quarter of the school year and that I wasn't in the process of calling a conference with his preschool to discuss what I feel are there short comings. 

My little Noah, my blessing, my joy.  He is becoming what we never thought we would have to go through again.  He is having tantrums, are they normal?  I don't know, all I have to compare his development with is Brandon.  I don't know what is normal for a 4 year old boy because I've never had a "normal" four year old boy. I know that his preschool is concerned, and parents have expressed concern for there children's safety.  And they are setting him up to hate school which is the last thing I want to happen. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to have to do this again.  I don't want to need to have a mental health assessment on another one of my children.  I don't want to do more therapy appointments, or possibly even medication management.  I don't want to be lectured by people that have no children or children without issues that have the label "professional".  I beat myself up enough about how I raise my kids.  What I should have done differently, what I may have done wrong. I don't need anymore criticism.  I need one of these so called "professionals" to really listen, understand, and offer some real solutions.  Not something they read in a book.

So here I am, in a hole, again.  This time I will not go to the doctor and get anti depressants like I did last time.  This time I'll work through it and find my worth.  I'll brush myself off and make an appointment with the preschool and ask what concerns they have and ask what they are doing in the classroom to help.  I'll ask if they called the "warm line" and if they didn't, why not.  I've already contacted the Florida Center and have the contact information to get him an assessment. 

And the teacher says....

Last Friday Brandon's school held an awards ceremony for the students for 1st quarter.  Thanks to my new job I was actually able to go for the first time.  They have always had these ceremonies on Thursday's at 1pm.  Seeing how I process payroll for a living and people always want to be paid on their scheduled check date of Friday, I have been unable to go.  Brandon goes to a special school for kids with behavioral issues.  The entire class body is quite small, maybe 50 kids for both elementary and middle school, a smaller amount being in middle school.  At first they had all the elementary school class skits and presentations.  Then they went on to do Honor Roll, Straight A  Honor Roll, Perfect Attendance, and so on.  Lastly they did classroom awards.  In the elementary school every child got an award.  Most improved handwriting, most inquisitive, etc...  In middle school they only gave awards to three kids in Brandon's class.  Brandon was one of the only kids that did not receive an award.  Normally this type of thing doesn't bother me, but this time it did.  If elementary classes did across the board, and the elementary and middle school has the same ceremony dates and times, I think the middle school should do the same.  I sent the teacher an email with my thoughts about this and he responded to me about the awards ceremony and also about the spitting incident on Monday. 

My Email:

Hello Mr. Connor,

I have been thinking since this afternoon's awards ceremony.

I think it is wonderful to show encouragement and reward academic achievements for the students that have worked so hard for it.  That being said I feel that all classes should be held to the same format during an awards ceremony.  All kids are not straight A students, or have perfect attendance, etc.  I know this because I am the parent of one of the kids that does not have straight A's or perfect attendance.  I understand that these achievements must be earned and not every child earns such an achievement.  I know that disappointment is a part of life and I know that not getting these achievements is important to build character and make people want to work harder.  But when I see the elementary students each get a classroom award for most improved handwriting, most inquisitive, etc. it shows that although not honor roll or straight A's that there teachers are seeing the good in what they are working towards.  For the middle school to not follow this format is upsetting.  Brandon did not get ONE award when if not all, almost all, of the other students received something for their achievements.   Seeing how the kids that go to Oak Park are up against great challenges, more than a child without a behavioral issue, wouldn't it be beneficial to their delicate self esteem to acknowledge something great about all the children?  Brandon is a great reader, and a good helper, and has improved his foul language along with other things that are important to him and our family.  It would have been fantastic to come to an awards ceremony and see a look of pride and a smile on his face and to encourage him to work even harder in the 2nd quarter to earn maybe honor roll, or an award for community of caring.  I try to look at things from his point of view, and can see him hoping inside that one of those awards were for him.  I know that I had my camera ready to snap a picture when his name was called.  I guess that what I'm trying to say is that if classroom awards are being done for all students in some classes, they should be done for all students in all classes. 

I hope that my feedback will be considered for future award ceremonies.

Respectfully,

Julie Davidson

 

His Response:

 

Ms. Davidson,

 

I definitely understand your suggestions  for including everyone in the awards recognition, and I will definitely consider them when time for our next awards ceremony is coming up.  While I don’t necessarily believe in providing awards across the board, I do see them as a possible motivator to do better.  I would like to see Brandon strive for recognition in one of the areas that you mentioned, and would be happy to coordinate with you on a behavior of concern that we could target.  While he may not be a straight A student now, he is a very capable and intelligent student, and would like to encourage him to live up to his potential.   I will be more mindful in the future when choosing awards.

 

As far as his current behavior is concerned, I know you received the information about his behavior towards me today.  It started when he was off task, and was talking and being disruptive throughout math class.  I tried to talk to him, include him with our discussions, and encourage him to participate.   I finally decided to send him to time out when he continued to be disruptive, and crushed up the assignment we were working on.   He used inappropriate language towards the class, and spit towards me when he was leaving.  I am continuing to adjust my approach to see what works with Brandon, and was not sure why my approach today resulted in this behavior.  I try to keep students in the classroom when possible, and only when the disruption affected the rest of the classes ability to focus on the lesson did I decide to send Brandon to timeout.

 

Thank you,

 

Joseph Conner

Middle School Math and Science

 

 

Spitting Mad....

Well...I've got to give it to Brandon.  He sure livens up the household.  I guess the fact that things are calming down at home gave him the urge to spice um up. 

I just got off the phone with the school.  The new vice principal called to let me know about a disturbing incident that occurred today which results in his suspension from school for one day.  Brandon was acting up in class and calling other students names.  When the teacher approached him Brandon called him an asshole and spit in his face.  I cannot imagine any circumstance that would give me the urge to spit in someone's face...EVER.  He was brought to the time out room where the vice principal, teacher, and the police officer at the school had a talk with him about the severity of what he did.  The vice principal said she was disappointed at Brandon's lack of appropriate response to the police officer talking with him.  He told the police officer that it would be great for him to go to jail then he could live with his father.  Brandon has not seen his father since he was 3 years old.  By the time that his father gets out of prison in 2038, Brandon will be a man.  I cannot understand why he wants to be in jail with him.  His father is in prison for a reason.  A reason that I have yet to tell Brandon about yet.  Does this warrant me having a talk with Brandon about the circumstances of his fathers prison time?  When is a right time?  What do you say?  How do you say it?  The vice principal also said that Brandon is upset that he has no friends at school or at home.  Well of course he doesn't, he's a jerk to kids his age.  She then asked me if I would mind telling him about his suspension when he comes home from school because they don't want to upset him.  I told her she created the consequence, she needs to tell him.  That would be like him getting in trouble at home and me having the school tell him we are taking away his TV privileges.  Doesn't make sense, does it?  They don't want to upset him?

I have to so say that this school year at Oak Park South has been the most frustrating.  All the staff I have been working with over the years is gone.  Almost everyone is new, and not improved!

I hope that this isn't the beginning of another cycle.  It's been nice having him mostly stable.  I know that with this Bipolar disorder that it will always reappear, but it would be REALLY nice to have a longer stable period.  I won't put negative energy out there but saying what I just said.  I will attempt to remain positive, but I am realistic. 

     

Brandon's previous Psychiatrist makes the news!

http://www.manateesheriff.com/Public%20Interest/BookingInfo.aspx?ID=10156012

Check this out!  We called him Dr Kevorkian!

The pieces come together.....well kinda (written some time between April and July?)

Well I think I left off with Dr Doolittle, doing little. He may have finally come to the realization that the Daytrana patch and stimulant medications are not working and have never been a good fit for him. He finally gave up on the thought of this Daytrana patch being the silver bullet. He said Brandon may be the 1 in 10,000 kids that react the way he did to the stimulant medication. This is good, this is bad. This really just puts us back to the drawing board. He is now going to concentrate on managing his bipolar symptoms. He increased his lamictal to 150 mg and will slowly go up on the dosage to see if we can see some relief. We have to watch extremely closely for a serious, dangerous rash associated with this medication which is called Steven Johnson syndrome. Rick's sister, Maureen came with us. I think she thought that by being there we would get answers. It's sad to see someone’s face when they realize how broken our system is. She asked him what he was going to do to ensure that he won't be on the news. He told her he has 500 patients that are in the same boat of symptom/diagnostic severity that could be on the news. How scary is that? 500 kids that have the potential to be the next Adam Lanza or other mentally ill gunman. Multiply that by all the mental health professionals. That's a lot of unbalanced kids and depleted parents.




We had an IEP meeting last Friday and that went well. The school added summer school to his IEP so that he will be eligible to enroll in the summer camp program with Oak Park. We sent his enrollment, scholarship, and deposit out on Friday. I hope to hear something soon. This will alleviate the stress on Kaylin having Brandon home, it will also help Brandon work on his school skills he has been losing, and keep me working without worry of him getting kicked out.

The Head Banger's Ball, or just banging my head on a wall

We followed up with the neurologist yesterday in Fort Myers.  He wanted to see Brandon and go over his test results and examine him for signs of neurofibromatosis.  According to the doctor he spoke with Brandon's pediatrician who told him that Brandon has lisch nodules in his eyes.  Lisch nodules are one of the symptoms of neurofibromatosis.  I already knew this.  He saw a genetics specialist when he was six or seven because he had multiple café aulaits on his body.  They told me he needed to have another symptom to be diagnosed.  We are looking for these lisch nodules or freckling in his groin or/and armpits.  He sees an eye specialist once a year to look for the nodules in his eyes.  He has had neither.  I explained to the neurologist that Brandon has iris cysts, not lisch nodules.  I wanted to scream at him!  We have been down this road and back again.  He let me know that he wanted to see Brandon in one year and recommended that he have a physical therapy evaluation to see if they can help with is balance and gait.  More appointments!  I sure hope he doesn't expect me to drive to Fort Myers once a week for physical therapy.  Knowing our luck his insurance won't cover it anyway. 

My evening closed with a visit for Brandon's med management with the psych group we take him to.  He asked Brandon some monotone questions.  I asked him about better managing his ADHD and he gave a slip for labwork and said see you in twelve weeks. 

Overall I have had a throughout run around which is completely normal I suppose. 

No answers, more questions.

Why does it take so long to get no answer?  What are we missing, what are they missing?  Is this why my mind is missing? 

He is eating again, which is AWESOME!  Gained a few pounds.

Two steps forward, three miles back

Now it is October and we've been here there and everywhere.  Last October Brandon was Baker Acted for audio and visual hallucinations.  This year at this time he is mostly stable.  Since March he has lost 48 pounds.  We've been to the pediatrician who's sent us for lab work, and an MRI of his brain.  She's send us to a neurologist who's sent us for lab work, and EEG, and an MRI of his spine.  He's send us to a neurosurgeon who then sent us back to the neurologist.  And round and round.  He has gained almost 2 pounds since his MRI of the spine which is a good thing.  He needs to have eye surgery still but we were waiting to see what all these tests were going to tell us.  Which was NOTHING!  His bipolar seems somewhat under control, he's not violent now, just mouthy and inappropriate.  He needs his ADHD meds adjusted but he can't have stimulant medications and his insurance doesn't cover any other the non stimulant options because of cost.  I've been putting this off as well until the weight loss issue was addressed.  The neurologist felt his weight loss was a major concern, but couldn't explain why he was losing so quickly.  While examining him he became greatly concerned with his gait and balance and gave him a generic "gait disorder", and "movement disorder".  We go back on Monday for who knows what.  Possibly another round of tests, or a referral to yet another specialist.  I'm getting frustrated, this same thing happened when he was 7 and the pediatrician was concerned he had neurofibromatosis.  Cat Scans, lab work, eye specialist,  and a trip to All Children's to see the genetics specialist and no further answers then.  I think after awhile I just get frustrated and stop all the nonsense.  Maybe there is no explanation for the mystery called Brandon.  This is just how he is?  No reason?  Progression of his bipolar disorder (neurologist mentioned this) whatever that may mean?  What does that even look like? 

Another concern I've had is with Noah, my little guy.  He's been having some wicked tantrums and it scares me that I'll have two Brandon's.  Of course that's not a realistic statement, but after what I've been through with Brandon it scares the shit out of me.  Having Brandon in my life has changed me forever.  It's changed my view on the world, and changed me into a parent that I'd never thought I'd be and never wanted to be.  When I had Kaylin I made sure she ate enough vegetables, did craft projects, flash cards, homework, etc...  Since Brandon came, everything I ever envisioned when becoming a parent flew out the window.  I have become that insane woman in Wal-Mart that you see with the three wild kids.  Having a Brandon, if you've never had one, makes you realize that what you think things should look like from the outside don't matter.  It doesn't matter what people say about you, your parenting, your housekeeping, or anything.  If you don't live it, you can't possibly even understand or even try to.  It has taught me to be less judgmental, more caring, more tolerant, more patient, more humble, and more dependent on anti anxiety medication.  It has taught me that my "normal" is different that your "normal" and that's okay.  It's okay, right?

I had a talk with my dad a few weeks back which really made me think.  He always has a way of saying things that make me think in a different way, which is awesome!  I was talking about those moms that work full time, go to college, have joined all the committees, and super involved with everything.  I was venting about how I can't get that work/life balance I so desperately thought I craved.  He told me that balance is a myth, and he is right!   I've decided that thinking there has to be a balance has set me up to fail, and to always fall short of my unrealistic expectations.  Expectations that society has placed on me to "do it all".  This is why I'm okay with serving only mashed potatoes for dinner, why I let me son go to school looking like he is in his pajamas, why my 4 year old plays too much on the iphone, why my daughter mopes in her room like I've ruined her life.  In the big picture, the big scheme of things, none of that shit matters.  It matters that I'm giving my kids love, acceptance, setting a good example by working hard, encouraging their individuality, teaching what's right and what's wrong and hoping that they turn out to be semi productive humans.  Or just humans. 

I hope that my kids make better choices that I did growing up so that they can be productive and not struggle financially.  It's frustrating day to day and check to check.  I work hard and hope to reap the benefits financially someday.  This month is Kaylin's birthday and I'm scrambling to pay the late bills from last month, have a party for her, would love to get her an awesome gift, and still have to buy Halloween costumes on top of this months bills.  Next month and the month after, and the month after will be the same song over and over and I hate it.  I'd like to get my van fixed and pay off my debt and do some home repairs or move into a bigger home.  I'm happy with what I have and am not being ungrateful for what I don't have.  I guess I'm just frustrated and don't want my kids to make the same mistakes buy not going to college, or having kids at a young age.  I'm done whining, sorry!